Once a cheater always a cheater...?
I have separated out two categories of cheaters (i) those in relationships (newly formed) and (ii) those in cohabitation or marriage arrangements. The reason for doing so is simple. If you are in an unencumbered relationship, that is, you have just started dating, it is very easy to walk away from the relationship. In the second category, it becomes more complicated when you have kids, pets, homes and so forth tied together.
Some might argue that cheating is not acceptable no matter what relationship you are in, and that would be a perfectly right stance for them. However, one person's values should not be forced unto others. I am not so convinced that cheating is entirely a bad thing all of the time. In some circumstances, cheating may help to reinvigorate the relationship. I will explain further.
Dating and Cheating
When you are just starting to date someone, and you both have agreed to date exclusively, the last thing you expect is for that person to cheat on you. However, in the unfortunate case that they do cheat, I say, "run like the wind, and don't look back!"
Any relationship that starts off on shaky ground will erupt into an earthquake. You will get hurt, and it will not be worth it. I know, I say best to love and be rejected, than to have never love at all. This is not that situation. The person has blatantly displayed to you that they cannot be trusted. Lick your wounds, spend time focusing on how marvellous you are, then move on. End all contact with that person as they are just not worth your time.
In these relationships it is very straightforward and clean cut. If they misbehave in the early stages of the relationship, then you can be sure that they fit into the category, once a cheater, always a cheater! You can either take the little bit of pain now, or continue and have a mountain of worse pain later! Either way it will hurt. Do you honestly want to destroy yourself in the process by dragging it on and hoping the person will mend their ways? The fact is, they will never change!
Marriage or Living Together and Infidelity
After being married for over 20 years, my married friend told me that she still got a kick out of men who still try to hit on her. I suppose it would be a lie to say that you would never feel flattered if an attractive, good-looking guy or gal looked your way. But a fleeting feeling of sexiness is an innocent pleasure that should immediately vanish. The problem arises when you cannot control your desire to lap up more and more of this unsolicited attention.
The truth is most married people go on with their lives and deal with their marriages in their own way. Some people find other outlets to fill the gaps in their marriage such as work, drinking or sports, while, a few may actually contemplate or even engage in infidelity. Whatever the relationship choices, it is clear that marriage is not always a black and white topic. It is further complicated when kids are involved.
I heard that one of the reasons people cheat in marriage is because they are not getting enough excitement and unpredictability in their marriage. Have you ever noticed that when someone else comes sniffing around your partner, your intensity for the person rises? Well, is dangling a little bait not worth reminding you how good you have it?
Just don't go crazy and fly into an unattractive jealous rage! Take it as a compliment that someone sees what you have known all along. This confidence will be noticed by your partner and appreciated. Never, start accusing them of cheating. If you do this, you may drive them to their admirer and make the situation more than just a casual and fleeting flirtation.
This reminded me of a movie I once saw called "Hall Pass" where one woman instigated the other women to give their spouses a weekend pass. This concept was interesting because, the pass gave them total freedom to do whatever they liked without having to face the consequences. They did not even have to reveal what happened on the weekend to their wives. At first the wives were reluctant, but the leading wife told them that she tried it and her marriage had never been better. What they did not explain was whether the weekend pass was to be a continuous thing, or just a one-off in a lifetime of marriage. I suppose while it was funny in a movie, I wondered how practical would it be in real marriages. What do you think?
Look, I cannot tell you whether to stay or leave your partner if they cheat. What I can tell you is this, all that you can account for in a relationship is yourself. The act of cheating is a betrayal, it is a betrayal of a promise, of a vow, of a trust. Maybe, you are in a marriage that does not work for you and you need this outlet. Maybe you just don't love the person anymore or enough to care about whether they will be hurt by your activities. Maybe you are someone who needs to have a bit on the side to feel that you are alive (usually points to self-esteem issues).
Whatever the case for someone cheating, if you have been hurt by their actions, then you must decide what is the best course for you. However, before you go jumping on your moral high ground, take some time to reflect and delay your judgement.
Marriage and living relationships all begin with love: the first kiss, the first touch, the thrill of being together. If you started from this point, then something happened along the way which either severed that connection or temporarily blocked it. Can you honestly say that apart from being faithful in the relationship, that you have been present alongside your partner? Or have you both just fell into the daily grind of life and forgotten to take time to appreciate each other? While we are all guilty of this from time to time, has your affection been withheld or missing? What about sex? When was the last time you bought something sexy or did something totally romantic that reminded them how much you love them?
If you still love your partner and can admit to cracks in your relationship, there might still be a chance to fill those cracks. The first thing you have to do is to forgive yourself and your partner for each other's transgressions. The problem is, if you cannot honestly forgive your partner, the relationship is over. If your partner is not genuinely sorry and not willing to work at mending the relationship, the relationship is over. If your partner cheats after you have started to repair your relationship, the relationship is over!
Remember, 1st time cheating shame on you. Second time cheating - there is not return. They have developed a taste for this activity and the flood gates are open. Just work out your plan of escape.
A note of caution: NEVER ACCUSE SOMEONE OF CHEATING UNLESS YOU KNOW FOR SURE.
Do not take your friend's word, because sometimes these friends are the one's trying to take your place. Listen with your heart and hear with your ears, then look for proof. Only you can decide and know if they are cheating or not. In looking for proof, you are on shaky ground, as you will have to give up some trust to allow in distrust. I always said, if I have to search my husbands pockets or read his phone messages, then the marriage is over.
REMEMBER: Once trust is at issue, the relationship hits a critical point and you must be ready to deal with the fallout. I suggest preparing yourself for all the eventuality and decide if it is really important that you find this out. Perhaps, at this point, it is more important that you work to repair your marriage and your trust. Sometimes, not knowing the details, makes moving on to forgiveness a lot easier.
A tip: to change someone, all you need to do is to change your behaviour. I don't mean acting crazy, I mean kill them with kindness. Be coy and playful. Imagine you are the outside love, and act in a way that will intrigue them. Take care of your appearance, dress immaculately, when others start noticing you, your partner will soon remember why they fell in love with you in the first place.
So cheating can sometimes lift relationships out of the dust and regenerate them, making them stronger than before. Yet, it is a risk, as you may completely lose the person you had chosen to spend the rest of your life with. Cheating is like Russian Roulette, you never know what number will come. Look, if you are tempted to cheat to gain some excitement, use this as a sign to indicate that you need to look after the one you love and they will reciprocate. I suppose at the end of the day, what is life worth to you without your life partner? Some people might be happy to just move on and live without them. But for most, that relationship might be worth fighting for.
Just remember, in any battle, you have home court advantage, so use it well!
