Divorce for Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes

Yet another Hollywood marriage bites the dust.  We begin wonder if there is any hope for us non-celebrities in love?  After all, on paper, Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes, seemed to have the fairytale marriage: he a successful heart throb, her the quintessential innocent princess.  They both seemed to be so in love and so rich!

It came as no surprise that this marriage ended badly.  Tom Cruise obviously chose Katie Holmes, but did Katie really choose him?  While she was enthralled with being swept off her feet by an attentive and loving Tom, she was not on board with what was to come next.

It would appear that Tom Cruise chose Katie Holmes in the hope that she would be willing to accept his lifestyle, no questions asked.  Maybe he felt that Katie was young and impressionable enough to accept life on his terms.  Although Tom managed to work his magic for longer than expected, the glass house soon came crashing down.
While it is very hard not to like Tom Cruise and to admire his achievements, it is difficult to understand his choices especially when it comes to his religion: Scientology.  In a world of free choices and free will, it really should not matter what religion Tom Cruise chooses to practise.  However, it becomes a deal breaker when your wife is not on board.  Tom is not the only person to have to face this dilemma, I have a friend who married a Muslim man and only when their first ,child was born, did he begin to enforce the need for both his wife and child to convert to Islam.  As a devoted wife, my friend converted but she secretly confessed to me that if she had known about this before, she probably would never have married him.  Three years later and like Katie Holmes, she too is planning her escape.


So what can we learn from this divorce and marriage?  There are a couple of obvious points.

Firstly, always discuss life plans with a potential partner before walking down the aisle. 
Religion, kids, animals, family are all key issues which must be discussed openly and honestly.  If you desperately want to have kids and the other person is not interested in having kids, that is a deal breaker, don't assume you can change their minds.

Secondly, never go into a marriage trying to change or tweak the other person. 
If you cannot accept them as they are, then walk away before you end up like Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes.  I think, Tom hoped that Katie would just accept her new life, and that he could tweak little inconsistencies in her behaviour.  For instance, he maintained a distance from Katie's family.  Many times people who want to control the behaviour of others will actively cut them off from their support group.  It is easier to influence someone who has no one to question their decisions.

Thirdly, take care not to lose yourself in the relationship. 
If you become attached at the hip and you lose who you are, if the marriage ends, you will find that you feel empty and hopeless.  It is always a good idea to be able to be self-sufficient even though you are in a relationship.  Katie, may not have this issue as she is well off.  However, in normal terms, some women remain with abusive men simply because they cannot fend for themselves and their children.  There are a lot of wealthy men who hold executive positions in companies and are completely controlling of their wives.  I worked for a battered women's clinic and I had to opportunity to see this first hand.  It is disheartening to know that a woman stays to give her children the life they deserve while she is treated as a mere punching bag.

Fourthly, always remember that when dating the person is putting on their best behaviour.
If you spot inconsistencies or issues in this dating period, deal with them realistically.  Think to yourself that if this is their best behaviour and I have issue with it now, what happens when we are married and two to three years in, can I really put up with these traits?  Sometimes it is hard to walk away, but you may just be saving your life in doing so.
I always feel sad when people get divorced, especially when children are involved.  However, divorce is a personal decision and if that person believes that it is the best option for them and their loved ones, then all we can do is to support them.  From the outside you can have all sorts of opinions, but unless you are a fly on the wall, and with that family day in day out, I really think that you should be kind to them and withhold judgement.   Sometimes the person may be too embarrassed to tell you exactly why they left. 

To be a good friend and listener is to just be there and to offer no solutions, the person comes to what's best for them in their own time.

How was Angelina Jolie able to Steal Brad Pitt?

The question really is, was Brad Pitt up for grabs in 2005?  It is rumoured that Brad and Angelina met on the set of "Mr & Mrs Smith" and that's where it all began.

It would be easy to label Angelina as the tempest seductress who stole Brad.  But think of it, as the old saying goes: "you can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it drink."  So although Brad was tempted, it was his decision to jump ship from Jennifer Aniston.

This love triangle has fascinated us for a long time, yet the lessons have evaded most of us. If you don't want to be the next person on the chopping block, better handle  these things.  A must do, if you don't want your loved one, guy or girl, to be swoop up from under your arms, never to return again.

Relationships Need Nurturing

Firstly, Jennifer and Brad must have had some gaps in their relationship for someone else to step in and fill it.  No matter how great things are, you must make time to appreciate and enjoy each other.  Always try daily to encourage and help each other.  Show genuine appreciation and compliment each other on a job well done.

Criticism Is Never Welcomed

We are all guilty of criticising each other, but it is really never welcomed.  

Men hate women to criticise them, they equate it with nagging, so be sure to find creative ways of getting them to see your point of view.  I am not suggesting manipulation, but rather, out of the box thinking.

It has been rumoured that Jennifer was furious with Brad because he made a bad comment about his marriage to Jennifer.  The truth is, no matter how long ago the relationship ended, it is still something to be left in the past.

In any relationship, it is much better to find a way to highlight the good points and be creative and sparing when pointing out a flaw.  Instead of bearing down on the person, you may show a better way by example.  As they say, action speaks louder than words, so why not try that instead.

Never spend time with a new love, rehashing all the terrible things your Ex did to you.  If you feel the need to do this, then you really are not over your Ex and your new love will feel slighted.

It Isn't Over Until Its Over For You!

This is a crucial point for anyone coming out of a relationship.  Unfortunately for Jennifer, the fans are not that forgiving.  Since we live in a society of instantanous solutions, we expect that Jennifer should move on almost immediately - well it has been over 5 years since Brad left her!

I really wish people would have more patience and realise that it takes people time to go through the grieving process.  Unfortunately, this process cannot be rushed and it is different for each person.

Many times after a break-up people choose to find someone else almost immediately.  It is a vain attempt to make the person who left them take notice.  It is their way of saying, "look at what you lost!"  However, the reality of doing something like this, only says, "I still love you and want you back."  

It is hard work coming out of a broken relationship or marriage, and you need to be kind to yourself.  It does not matter how long it takes, just take time to heal yourself.

You wonder why Jennifer has had so many broken relationships since Brad left her?  Well, isn't it obvious?  Jennifer was completely in love with Brad, she took her marriage vows very seriously, it literally broke her heart when Brad left.  All the relationships she entered after never seem to fill the void created when Brad left.

The problem is, when someone leaves you, a hole is left inside of you.  That hole is the space they occupied in your heart.  When they leave, that space becomes vacant and you literally feel the emptiness inside of you - commonly known as "heartache" or "heart break".  

Any attempts to fill this space with others, alcohol or drugs is futile.  In this case, the old adage stands true - ONLY TIME WILL HEAL A BROKEN HEART!  Enduring and growing is what is needed, not endless distractions.  You need to face the pain and accept that it is over. Through acceptance, comes freedom to live and to love again without fear.  Many people prematurely enter new relationships without resolving the hurt of the pass and this is why many new relationships fail.

We as a society need to give people space to grieve and live through loss, without forcing them to move on when they are not ready.  If they take a long time, that is okay.  

So make sure you take the time to say to your loved ones, "I love you" not in literal terms but in actions.

Remember What Mama Used to Say?

Some quotes that I grew up with seem to make me remember my childhood days of  endless cautions and warnings.

Please posts any that you remember - and tell us what it meant to you, and what you were doing at the time of the warning.

Here are my most memorable:

1. Do Leh No Man Fool You! (self explanatory really)
2. Show me your friends and I will tell you who you are
3. Birds of a feather stick together (really a reflection of #2) - means you are likely to do the same things as the company you keep.  Same goes for when you look at how much you are worth, if you want to increase your net worth, hang around those who are achieving more than you are.
4. Water sinks to its own level - this one seems to continue the myth that it we all belong to some class level and that is where we slot in
5. You can take a horse to water, but you can't make it drink! - you can hand people opportunities on a platter, but unless someone decides to partake, it is futile to force them

You can take a girl out of the ghetto, but you can't take the ghetto out of the girl

Hope these made you smile, as I had fond memories of trying to rule my own life and the battle my parents had trying to keep me on the straight and narrow.
 

Whitney Houston - A woman who loved too much?

Where were you when you heard of Whitney Houston’s death?

Whitney Houston won our hearts with her phenomenal voice and sweet personality.  The beginning of her career would have rivalled any of those today – Rihanna, Katy Perry - her voice was pure quality!  That was all of course, before she met Bobby Brown, started using drugs and entered into a whirlwind of domestic violence battles!

In her heyday, I rated Witney Houston as one of the greatest voices of all time.  Her close second, was in my humble opinion, Mariah Carey.   These women were the Ella Fitzgerald’s and Nina Simone’s of our time.  It was a truly sad moment when I heard of her early death.

While I would never diminish her contribution to music as a great artist or forever appreciate her amazing voice, I cannot but wonder if her career could have been longer and her life happier had she been able to come to terms with loving Bobby too much.  It seems to have all started when she met Bobby Brown, or did it? 


When Whitney met Bobby Brown in 1989, she became a woman on a mission.  Whitney was determined to own Bobby against all odds.  She wanted to be the only woman he would ever want.  Whitney did whatever it took to keep his attention.  When she felt his attention was slipping, they would have incredible fights.  Not that Bobby was a saint, but so much attention focused on him, left Whitney lacking in all other aspects of her life.  Bobby obviously did not reciprocate the intensity which Whitney brought to the relationship and so from the very beginning it was going to be an explosive encounter.  This eternally unsatisfied feeling and insecurity kept the fires burning all the more intensely.

As with any relationship, if you feel the need to change the other person, trouble will always be just around the corner.  While you get into a relationship to share, you really need to maintain a balance between the love you give to yourself and the love you give to the other person.  You should never love someone in spite of yourself.  Remember, if you don’t stand up for yourself, no one else will!  Loving someone is marvellous, but it does not have to come at the sacrifice of yourself and your dreams.  This is not about compromise, which is a separate issue.  Compromise is an agreement of both partners on the path to take together.  Sacrifice is where your give all your time and energy to the other person without giving anything to yourself.  

In Whitney’s case, she was so in love and involved with Bobby that she let her career and the things she wanted to achieve, fall by the wayside.  Unfortunately, when she decided to bring her life back to where she left off, it was too late.  This is not to say, Whitney could not have had a perfectly happy life.  What was over was the life of the international, record selling songbird.  Much  to my  great sorrow, no one around her was honest enough to let her know it.  Too many concerts and tours were booked promising the old Whitney, although in truth, she was only a shadow of her former self.  I think that the public would have been happier to remember her in her heyday and not let her exhibition herself as a former had been.  It was probably this stress and pain that caused her to give up.  I am deeply saddened that she had not chosen to bless the world a second time in some other way.  

A big part of life is dealing with challenges and turning them into positives, although this is not without a lot of hard work and perseverance, it is essential if we are to live happy productive lives.   Whitney made the wrong choice for her comeback and this contributed immensely to her unhappiness and demise.

While it is never a good idea to blame someone else for your mistakes, as in doing so, you shift responsibility for yourself to that of the other person, many people share the view that Bobby Brown was instrumental in Whitney’s personal and professional  fall out.   Again, it is really the responsibility of the individual to make their life what they want it to be, in spite of those around them.  Bobby Brown was there, but he was not to blame.   It was obvious that Whitney did not have the tools and courage to rid herself of Bobby Brown.  Maybe, Bobby Brown was also stuck in the same cycle and he too could not rid himself of Whitney.  Together they expressed a united front in regard to their tormented and heated relationship.  Whitney even expressed this idea of oneness on Oprah, when explaining their relationship.   Unfortunately, no one seemed to be able to get beyond the cloud with which they both shielded themselves,  to help them both.  

We have all been there, staying with someone who just was not good for us.  They never contributed to building us up or to our general happiness.  They took from us all we had to offer and gave nothing in return.  We spent many restless nights wondering where they were or if they were telling us the truth.  We fought endlessly trying to convince ourselves that we were okay, and everyone else was wrong, even when we knew the truth.   We endlessly lived in a bubble, hiding from the truth of our circumstances, hoping it will be like it was in the beginning, but somehow, and it never turned out that way.  Luckily, the majority of us, either by near death experiences; help from friends and family; and/or a large dose of self- courage and commitment, have been able to pick ourselves up, dust ourselves off and to start all over again.

If you can remember, Rihanna was in a similar situation not so long ago with Chris Brown.  The violence in their relationship seemed to mirror the violence and drugs in Whitney’s relationship with Bobby Brown.  What was interesting was that Whitney offered Rihanna advice; she encouraged her to get out of this kind of relationship.  Obviously, Whitney was aware of the damage this union had caused her professionally, emotionally and physically, yet by the time she had come to terms with this, and was able to do something about it – go to drug rehab and work to rebuild her career – it was too late. 

Yet the pivotal question remained, what attracted a good girl like Whitney Houston to a bad boy like Bobby Brown?  This question emerged also in the relationship of Britney Spears to Kfed.  Who would have imagined that these relationships would have caused so much pain and loss to these women?   I think the answer lies within.  Although we do not go around demanding or asking for it, we all secretly need to feel loved and accepted.  If you are unable to love yourself, you seek external validation.  This need to be loved can sometimes take control of your life and lead you to very extreme and erratic behaviour.   Britney Spears was able to successfully get through the storm while Whitney never seemed to be able to emerge from tornado that surrounded her. Even when the relationship with Bobby Brown ended, Whitney struggled to find her true self again.  Granted drugs are a terrible addiction and take a very long recovery process.  Unfortunately, for Whitney, during this recovery she lost the one thing that made her feel immensely proud and special – The Voice!

While Bobby Brown may have started the tornado which engrossed Whitney’s life, it was drugs that brought her eventual ruin.  By the time Whitney realised all that she had lost, it was too late.  The Voice was lost!  Losing her instrument was like a runner who lost their legs; I can only imagine how devastating it must have been.  Sadly, no one seemed to have the courage to level with her.  In the end, we can take comfort in knowing that we were truly blessed to have been exposed to such a magnificent and heavenly gift even if just for a moment in time – Whitney’s Voice. 

R.I.P Whitney –

May you find the peace and acceptance in death that you could not find in life.

GYT3XGUM5B2Q

Is Harry Styles too young for Caroline Flack?

Older Women and Younger men - Can it Lasts?

I am pretty sure this relationship will not make it into the next year, it will fizzle out sooner then you expect.  There are many reasons why this relationship won't work.  While men enjoy the naivety of younger women, they also like the reduced pressure to procreate.   

Some Reasons Why It Won't Work:

• There is more than 10 years between them, Harry 17 and Caroline 32. The 20s is a time when most people develop their individuality. Harry has not even properly emerged out of puberty!  Caroline should have in many ways moved beyond this stage. Her choosing to have a relationship with Harry indicates a reluctance to grow up, when she finally accepts this stage of her life, the relationship will end - as their sources of enjoyment and fun diverge.

• Evidence of failure is Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher's divorce.  I am surprised it lasted that long, but it was not without a lot of effort and commitment on the part of Demi Moore.  Demi constantly tried to portray a happy couple; she also tried endlessly to appear younger.  In the end, it did not work.  It seemed that Demi became obsessed with proving the world wrong instead of accepting the reality of the mismatched union.  From her constant twitter feeds, comments and photos, you could see a tormented woman with a point to prove.  This jealousy and eagle like behaviour ultimately destroyed the relationship.  The traits that once attracted Ashton to Demi, confidence and self-worth, were both eroded at the end of the relationship.

• The question of children is always a big one.  With Caroline's biological clock ticking, this issue will inevitably rear its head.  At a time when Harry is now starting his career, this will be furthest from his mind.  This could very well be one of the factors which break the camel's back.

• Beauty and youth are very attractive to younger boys. If your girlfriend looks like your mother, it won't take long to start wondering where you went wrong.  Caroline looks her age and will not be able to compare to the newer, younger girls who will inevitably pursue Harry.   As Caroline becomes more possessive and demanding, these behaviours will drive Harry away.

I would say this is a case of Caroline Flack robbing the cradle!  

My advice to her would be to embrace her age and maturity and to find someone of equal maturity.  I am certain that Harry is definitely not the man for the job.  They can both save themselves a lot of heartbreak by doing the right thing and choosing age appropriate partners.